10-10-2011

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

DEAR THUNDERMATTS- I think that love has no age limit. Who is right? – SOME FUCKING PEDOPHILE.

DEAR SFP- Well, it sounds like you are a pedophile.  Also, you are an idiot. You only told me what you thought, and then asked who is right. Well there is no choice there. You don’t say “Hey hon, We can have steak for dinner. Which are you feeling like tonight?”  God, pedophiles are stupid.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS- Today, my boyfriend left for Australia from USA (where we live), in which he will be staying for 160 days. He couldn't get out of the trip. During this time, I will not be able to see him, and I'll rarely get to talk to him. He's the only guy I've ever loved, and I'm the only girl he's ever loved, so his leaving is extremely hard on both of us.

The main issue is I feel as if his missing me will ruin his good time, so I was contemplating ending things so he could further enjoy his trip. This way, he'd spend 10-15 days being sad, then he'd get over it, versus 160 days of him missing me. I'm uncertain whether I should break things off, and get back together with him when he returns (if we still feel the same), or if I should stay with him and ruin his trip, but hope things work out when he returns. – WOMEN BE CRAZY

DEAR WOMEN BE CRAZY- Holy shit, are you crazy. That’s not a question by the way. You are. So you’re in love with a dude and you have to spend a few months apart, and you think you should break up? Golly. I mean, women have the weirdest freaking brains I’ve ever seen. Holy shit lady! How did you even come to this conclusion? No. You should not break up. You should cut off your hair and make a little doll that looks like you and give it to him. Like hide it though. Slip it into his luggage. And then when he gets home, cut off his face and wear it so you’ll never be apart.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS-

Hello, was hoping to get some advice. I met a guy in college when I was 20. We talked a little bit here and there. I like him alot more than just a friend. I can't seem to forget him. even though it has been almost 10 years.

Since then I dropped out of college. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I am convinced I am going to marry him one day and that he is the love of my life. He is now happily married to another girl now.

I emailed him in February 2010. He said he didn't think we should talk because he is married now and doesn't live in this area anymore. What should I do about this situation? should I try to find someone else? I love him though- WOMAN BE EVEN CRAZIER

DEA WBEC- Well obviously the dude has a thing for you. Read between the lines of his email. You’ll see that he wants you but feels trap. Move to where he lives now, and kill his wife. Make sure you make it seem like an accident! Then he’ll be free to get with you. Seriously though lady, you are insane. YOU NEVER DATED THIS GUY. YOU ARE A PSYCHO!

IT'S A CAT

So Chris Pratt (who is awesome on Parks and Rec) gave his (and his wife's, Anna Faris) cat away to someone on twitter. The cat is super old I guess, and poops everywhere, and they are planning on having kids. So he didn't want an old pooping thing hanging out. (that's why I don't invite my mom over much. Zing! Just kidding. love you mom.) Well of course the creepy cat ladies are having a fit that you would just dump some old ass cat to a stranger. Well guess what you freakin' looneys. IT'S A CAT. It's not a big deal. It doesn't give a shit who feeds it. Leave the dude alone. Jeezle petes. Chris rules.

Anywho, get on facebook and like this page you suckas.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sunshine-Valley/228113287244064

The awesomely talented Adam Hicks and the averagely talented me have teamed up for an awesome comic titled Sunshine Valley. If you're going to NYCC you can buy a preview for issue one. We're going ot get the first issue finished and then shop it around. SO like the page, cause we'll be keeping everything up to date and have some fun contests planned.

Andy on Andy (that's hot.)

A special blog today. Any Rooney recently semi retired from 60 minutes. I reached out to him and he graciously agreed to write a special blog post on his career and retirement. So here he is.


I'm Andy Rooney, and I don't much care for the color blue. Little boy blue isn't a very good fairy tale story, now is it? I'm not going to be doing 60 minutes regularly. I have to eat some special kind of yogurt that keeps me bowel movements regular. Why does bowel look so much like bowl? I don't much care to eat ass. I've heard some folks do, but it's not for me. I didn't always just say things as I thought them on 60 minutes. I used to be a war correspondent. I covered the Civil War at the personal bequest of President Kennedy. There wasn't much Civil about the Civil war, but I like it a lot more than the Civic War. I only buy American cars, cause I'm not a filth communist.

Really though, blue is what it's called when you're sad. Who would like that color? I think smurfs are creepy. I tried to wear footie pajama bottoms and no shirt once in the sixties. I got pregnant. That was crazy times, though I spent most of the sixties in Canada covering World War II. I'll never forgive those Canadians for Pearl Harbor.

I guess I do like blue berry pancakes, but they look sot of blackish purple in pancakes don't they? I wouldn't recommend putting icing on pancakes, even though they have cake in the name. It's a little misleading isn't it? There's a bit of wisdom in the word misleading. If you ever let a miss lead, you'll end up lost! Ha! I covered the six day bloody war that broke out when women fought for the right to vote. Speaking of voting, who is Chad? and what exactly was he hung for?

I had a blue car once, and I swear to God the damn thing would purposefully aim for pedestrians. It had a murderous mind of it's own. Morley Safer is a real son of a bitch. I want everyone to know that. I bet his favorite color is blue.

Well, that's it, I'll be seeing you. In hell.

9-28-2011

Dear Thundermatts,
I have a nine-year-old son who has to go to summer school; it was a condition of his promotion into fourth grade. He goes four days a week from nine to noon. He works with two teachers and about twenty other kids. He is balking at continuing at summer school. He does not like the other kids there and is misbehaving in class. I think he just has low self-esteem and it is getting in the way of his learning. Should I take him out and fight to keep him in fourth grade anyhow? – Summer Mom


DEAR SUMMER MOM- Your kid is just stupid. I went to summer school once. (twice) It is awesome. It’s easy as shit, we smoked in between classes in the parking lot (cigarettes, not weed.) ((Some weed.)), and there was a hot chick who wore low cut shirts that hung out with me and the two guys I hung with there. Also, we drew pictures of dinosaurs shooting Abraham Lincoln with laser guns instead of listening, and still passed. So if your idiot son is struggling to get through it; he’s an idiot. Yes, take him out of Summer School, and fight to get a really late stage abortion.

Dear Thundermatts,

Hello, I'm a 19 year old male and I'm having trouble. This might sound strange but here it goes, three years ago I went on a summer vacation to my hometown and ended up meeting the most amazing, beautiful girl and she gave me the best summer I have ever had. We spent every day for three months together and we fell in love but sadly I had to leave but we promised we would stay in contact and would be together when I moved back. We stayed in contact for over a year but after time we slowly stopped talking. I have asked her if she would like for me to stop trying to contact her even if to just be friends and she has said no but now we only talk once every couple of months and it's hard to even get a response back. I am still in love with this girl. I have had a few relationships since but they have never worked out. This girl is always on my mind and she is the only one I have never been able to get over her no matter how hard I have tried. Look forward to hearing back. – A Virgin.

DEAR VIRGIN- Oh my god, you’ve got to be kidding me. You met a girl who give you a handy all summer, and now you’re in love? Puh-lease. And you have not had a few other  relationships, because pleasuring yourself to Leia in the slave outfit as soon as you got the new Star Was Blu-Rays is not a relationship. Man up. Move on.

Ok, so I really want to be an actor when I grow up. I'm starting high school in a few days, but they don't offer a lot of acting classes. I want to start taking acting classes after school, but I don't know how to tell my dad about it. He probably doesn't want me doing the performing arts. He probably wants me to do sports. I really dream of being on “Saturday Night Live“ one day. So do you think it's the right time to start acting classes? Or is it too late? If it's the right time, how do I tell my dad I want to start taking acting classes?- Drama Douche

DEA DRAMA DOUCHE- Uh, are you funny? Cause that’s the number one way to get on SNL. And yes, your ad does want you to be in sports. Because he never was. He tried out for the football team and couldn’t cut it, but he did sexually experiment with the semi retarded kid they let get the towels and shit so he feel like pat of the team. So these that.

9-26-2011

Dear THUNDERMATTS,
I am getting married next spring to a man with a ten-year-old daughter. Should she be in the wedding as a junior bridesmaid? – SOME CHICK
SOME CHICK- Yeah, let her be a bridesmaid. When you guys have a kid together, no one will pay attention to little whats-her-face, so let he be in the wedding.

Dear THUNDERMATTS,

My 4-½ year old granddaughter is becoming difficult to discipline. She recently picked up a trinket at a department store. She has begun talking back. She also has hit her teacher at preschool. I need help in determining an approach for her. – SCARED GRANDMA

SCARED GRANDMA- Your 4 year old granddaughter steals shit? You should really just try to spend as much time as possible with her because I don’t think they let a lot of visitors into juvie. Seriously, get the girl a temporary neck tattoo, because it’s already too late for her. The authorities will sort it out; and she’ll probably be a totally great fry cook at McDonalds. Or she’ll stab a chick and go to prison, where she’ll stab more chicks. And have sex with them.

Dear THUNDERMATTS,

My daughter just turned 6. She is not a bedwetter. The other night she got up and urinated in her closet. She then stripped and went back to bed. Her little sister has had two episodes of talking/screaming in her sleep (her eyes were wide open but she was still asleep!). Her dad and uncle both sleepwalked when they were small. Is this something I should be concerned about? – WORRIED MOM

 WORRIED MOM- Uh great, your daughter isn’t a bed wetter. But she pisses in the GD closet. That’s kind of worse. Hey, don’t pee on that sheet and blanket, but go ahead and urinate all over some clothes and shoes and stuff. Although peeing and stripping is going to make her famous on the internet when she’s 18. Also, I think your younger daughter is possessed. So uh, get that checked out. Sounds like Insidious or something. 

9-23-2011

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: I frequently host small dinner parties and get-togethers in my home for co-workers and friends. Most guests bring their spouse or a date. "Jane," a young lady with whom I work, has recently been corresponding with an inmate I'll call Al. Al was sentenced to eight years in prison, but will be released in a few weeks. Jane plans to bring him to my next dinner party.

Abby, Jane has dated abusive men in the past. When I asked her what Al was in prison for, she flipped out. She said, "Al has paid his debt to society! You shouldn't ask rude questions." When I gently inquired of Jane if Al had committed a violent crime, she hesitated. Then she said, "Well, sort of," and refused to elaborate.

Don't you agree that I have the right to know whom I am inviting into my home? Am I out of line or overly cautious? -- ALARMED HOST IN ALABAMA

DEAR ALARMED HOST: Al is a weird name for a black dude. But yeah, don’t invite that chick.. You live in Alabama so he might steal all of the Precious Moments statues from your trailer. And then beat Jane to death with them.

Dear Thundermatts,
My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him? – CAN I CHANGE HIM?


Dear CAN I CHANGE HIM: What the hell is wrong with you? Why is your husband more willing to be eating by an anaconda than spend time with you? Maybe you need to eat his anaconda more often, if you know what I mean.  



Dear Thundermatts,
My wife is prickly and angry most of the time. She takes her anger out on our seven-year-old daughter and me. We have not had a decent conversation in months; all the words between us are either about running the household or words of disagreement. My wife is under a lot of stress at work but I am so tired of her angry tirades I just want to leave. – SAD HUSBAND


DEAR SAD HUSBAND – How is your vagina doing? Seriously, women are always mean and annoying. It’s the price we have to pay to have sex with them. Man up. And it sucks about your seven year old daughter, but in three years she’ll be just as mean and bitchy as your wife, and you don’t even have sex with her. Unless you live in the south, but then, you probably already are. 


This should be the last post with this annoying highlight stuff, the page i copied the questions from for the first few was lame or something.  Also, if anyone has a question they'd like to ask email me at m.ashcraft@hotmail.com with the subject line DEARTHUNDERMATTS. You'll be kept anonymous

9-21-2011

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: After six years of marriage I am seven months pregnant. I never wanted children and did not expect this to happen. I am determined to be an excellent mother, but it's an intellectual exercise for me. I feel nothing for this baby and I have a hard time imagining our future. I also hate being pregnant.

I can't find any websites for women like me -- they're filled with women cooing over their bellies and fantasizing over their babies-to-be. I mentioned my feelings (or lack thereof) to my husband and he became furious with me. Is there something wrong with me? -- LACKS THE MOTHERING GENE

DEAR LACKS THE MOTHEING GENE: Yes there is. That said, I’m pretty sure there is time left for an abortion.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: How do you prevent damage in your home from children whose parents will not control them while they're visiting? I keep a box of toys and offer them to the children, but they often prefer to handle my personal objects, many of which are heirloom antiques.

One visitor allowed her child to jump on my sofa, then offered to replace a shattered ceramic bowl her son had thrown like a Frisbee. "It's not replaceable," I told her. "It belonged to my great-grandmother." Her response was that I should have put anything valuable out of reach.

It seems even the most polite suggestion to children angers their parents. My parents would never have allowed me to behave disrespectfully in someone's home. Must I show everyone the door because their children behave like animals? -- WHO'S MINDING THE MENAGERIE?

DEAR MENAGERIE: Who are you friends with? Octomom? (Remember her?) Seriously, which of your friends has such little bastards for kids they run around and throw your shit all around. The problem isn’t the kids, it’s your friends. And next time some little snot nosed shit breaks something of yours, break his face. Seriously, just knock the shit out of that kid. That’ll teach him.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: I work for a package delivery company and there is a problem that's all too common for people in my line of work. Please tell dog owners to confine their dog before opening a door to accept a package.

I have been bitten twice in the past two years by dogs that "don't bite." I have also been scared more times than I can count by dogs that have charged at me. When a customer takes the time to put their dog in another room before coming to the door, I make sure to let him or her know how much I appreciate it. It's difficult to be pleasant and professional when my heart is racing and adrenaline is raging because someone's dog is barking and running at me.

Thanks, Abby, from my fellow delivery drivers and me. -- TWICE BITTEN IN DAYTONA BEACH, FLA.

DEAR TWICE BITTEN (ONCE A GUY): Don’t call me Abby. That’s weird. Anywho, I’m thinking you might be fat. If so, it’s your own fault. Fat people smell constantly like bologna. That’s science fact. Look it up. If you didn’t smell like bologna, dogs wouldn’t want to eat you. What a fat idiot. You think you’d be thin, since you walk all day. I bet you wear crocs.

Ask Thundermatts

Hey, I'm trying something new on this blog. I can never think of what to write, so from now on, on Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays; I'll be finding real questions sent in to Dear Abby (or articles like that.) And answering them myself. These are all real answers. I may post other stuff to, if I get inspired, but this will be the new thing for three days a week.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: My mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia more than a year ago. She lives alone and can no longer do anything for herself. She can no longer climb stairs, which means she can't get to her bed, shower or do laundry, and it takes her hours to dress herself. She also needs help getting and remembering to take her medications.

Because Mom can't drive, she can't get to the store, the bank or anywhere else unless one of her kids takes her. She does nothing all day but watch TV and eat sweets.

When do her kids stop treating her like a toddler and start treating her with dignity? She clearly needs assistance, whether it's a couple of days a week of companionship or an assisted-living center. She doesn't want to go, but when is it time to do what's best for her and stop listening to what she says she wants? Her kids are afraid to make her mad, so this poor woman is withering away in her two-story home -- lonely, smelly, sad and depressed.

I would move her into our home if we had a place for her, but we don't. What can be done for an elderly person who obviously can't take care of herself, but "fakes" it so her kids won't put her "in a home"? -- HEARTBROKEN DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR HEARTBROKEN DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: What the hell do you mean you don’t have a place for her? You don’t have a back yard? You must live in an apartment. How about a balcony then? Shit she’s old, she won’t know the difference between outside and inside. She doesn’t even know the difference between a toilet and her pants. Seriously though, tell her you’re taking her to a doctor appointment, make sure you’re in her will on the drive over to the old folks home, and leave her ass there. She’ll forget she didn't even want to go by tomorrow.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: I have been with my love for more than five years. Our lives have not been easy, but whose has? God decided to bless us with a little one while we were still too young, but we work hard to provide the best for our blessing.

Somewhere down the road the romance disappeared. I often wonder if he despises me for getting pregnant or for keeping our son. My love had big plans and still does, but he seems miserable. I know I can't force him to make the effort to change his own life and pursue his dreams.

I miss my friend, the person who wanted to be near me, hold my hand and hold me tight. Despite all my attempts to talk, nothing changes. Is it over? -- ROMANTICIZING ROMANCE IN DALLAS

DEAR RRiD: He doesn’t despise you for getting pregnant; he despises you for never losing the baby weight. Also, he’s banging someone else, probably your sister.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: I go to movies occasionally with my niece "Connie" and her two kids. Although the theater has a sign "No Outside Food or Drinks Allowed," Connie sneaks snacks in in her oversized purse, then doles them out after the lights go down. I'm not talking about a couple of candy bars; she brings bags of candy, chips and cans of soda.

While I agree with my niece that the price of refreshments is outrageous, I also believe it's the theater operators' prerogative to set prices and policy. I suggested Connie skip the snacks during the movie and take the kids out for ice cream afterward, but she said she didn't want to "deprive" them. When I offered to pay, she said it wasn't about the money, it was "the principle, and besides, "everybody else does it."

I feel my niece is teaching her kids it's OK to break rules you find inconvenient as long as you can get away with it. I enjoy the outings with them so I've dropped the subject for the sake of harmony, but it still bothers me. Connie probably thinks I'm a critical old crank who's out of step with the times. I'd love your opinion. -- PAYING FOR MY POPCORN IN OREGON

DEAR WHINY BITCH: Quit being a whiny bitch. Food at the theater is ridiculously priced, as are the tickets. It’s awesome that your rich, or stupid, but you should totally take food in. People who work at movie theaters take their own food in. It’s the American thing to do. Quit being a communist. Here’s a fun fact someone that works at a movie theater told me the popcorn is always days old, that shit isn’t fresh, and you want to pay twelve dollars for a small? Go ahead dipshit, but quit being a nark.

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2 review

This review will be kept spoiler free, though in a day or two I'm going to post some Spoilery thoughts on the flick.

The movie opens with an accelerated version of the last three or four minutes of part one (Voldemort gaining the Elder Wand.) before the camera weaves it's familair way through the Warner Brothers logo and we get our first look at Hogwarts since Half Blood Prince. Students are marched along by Death Eater teachers in silence while the new Headmaster, Snape looks on. This first scene really sets the tone for the movie. This flick is dark. From the actual look of it to the feel, it's dark, dark dark.

Harry and his crew (can two people be a crew?) decide to break into the Wizarding bank, Gringotts, convinced that a horcrux is hidden in Bellatrix Lestrange's vault there. It's a pretty exciting scene, with a couple of laughs and at least one sweet death by dragon breath. Then, in less than thirty minutes from the start of the film (I'm guessing, it certainly feels that way) were back at Hogwarts (Or rather, Hogsmede, right outside of the school.) and settling in for the duration. Theres plenty of locations to be seen, from the familiar halls, to a return visit to The Chamber of Secrets, the forbidden forest, and tons more. It's great seeing familiar faces again, many of the students weren't seen in the Part 1, and some teachers haven't been seen for even longer than that.

The action is fast and furious in this movie, and it's easily the most violent of the Potter flicks. People are burned, Avada Kedavra'd, felled from great heights, bashed by giants, and much more. As frantic (and cool) as the action is, the real stand out is the acting. I've thought the kids have all done a great job since Azkaban on, (and the first two they weren't bad, just kids.) but in installment the preformences are so raw and emotional it's easy to foget none of what's happening is real. Emma Watson gets the scene of the franchise award from me towards the end of the movie, (I'll tell you which part she really impressed me with in my spoiler talk.) and Neville really gets to shine here, character and actor wise. (Matthew Lewis is the actor, of course.)

This movie though, is really Voldemorts. Maybe I'm biased because I'm a Death Eater. (Really, I have the tattoo to prove it.) but from the moment there's a close up of Voldemorts feet covered in the blood of the people he just killed as he walks amongst their bodies ealy in the film I knew this was going to finally be the showcase for Ralph Finnes and the character he's so masterfully brought to life. I'll go into more detail in the spoiler post a few days, but just make sure you're getting the point I'm trying to make which is Voldy is awesome to the max in this one.

Snape rocks it as always, and Mcgonagall really gets some great lines and scenes as well. The movie is just perfect, and nothing that's ommited or changed from the source material bothes me. See this movie as soon as you can!

Thundermatts score- A+

So limited commercials means...

More commercials than normal?

I'm slowly making my way though the first episode (it's two hours) of Falling Skies on TNT (or something, lol.) and thee were about forty three commercials for the show before it started. Then they did a countdown from 60 seconds with yet more clips of the show you were about to watch. Then a car came on screen and they said the car company made it possible to show this with limited commercials. Then the show finally started. Then there was commercials. But it took about fifteen minutes before they showed them, so awesome.  Then eight minutes later there were more commercials. Wait a minute... Then the show was back, and then in less than ten minutes again, another commercial break! Dear TNT, stop with you lies.

Some More Random Crap

Dear people who made the upcoming film Bad Teacher, Cameron Diaz is ugly. She was hot in The Mask, like a million years ago, then proceeded to get angular and bony. Seriously no part of her body curves. It's all triangles. She looks like Starscream from the Transformer flicks.

On a related note, Starscream or Star Scream? I'm not sure, and I don't care.

On another related note, Scream 4 comes out on DVD and Blu Ray in October. I think the fourth. Please buy it you jerks, so I can have a Scream 5.

How are the Reds still only two (and a half?) games back when it seems like they've lost 90 out of the last 92 games.

Gabe got me a Green Lantern toy and Sherlock Holmes on Blu Ray for fathers day. As he hugged me later he whispered- "Daddy, I think we should both be able to play with the Green Lantern toy." Like father like son. I buy him stuff for presents because I want to play with it too.

Man, my place of work is really becoming ridiculous. We'll call it Peedway, cause they're basically pissing all over customers. (Who probably deserve it.) Seriously, I think the new Peedway logo is Way Less For Way More. You used to get 1000 bonus points for putting 50 bucks on a gift card. Now you have to put 100 bucks to get any points. For 100 bucks you get 1500 points. So you have to spend 50 more bucks to get 500 points less than 100 would have gotten you before. This is just the latest change in a string of shitty moves.

Cars 2 comes out soon, Gabe is pretty damn excited. lol.

My own rage comic

Here's my contribution ot the world of Rage comics:

Rage comics are all the... uh rage

I've been addicted to these things for the last couple of weeks. Here are some of my favorites.

I'm worried by how stupid people are

SO at work we have a freezy drink machine. Like you know, slurpee type stuff. Well, it's completely broken. So to let customers know that it's broken, there is a sign hanging on each spout saying 'PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER DRINK'. Also of course, the machine is off, the stuff isn't frozen or spinning in the little viewport. Guess how many idiots who want a freezy drink ask if the machine is broken after seeing the signs and lack of frozen product in the view port. ALMOST EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM. Somehow, they are unable to put the clues together, mainly the signs saying none of them are working, and are still forced to ask me if the machine is working or not. Never mind the people who still grab a cup and go to pour some completely unfrozen juice like substance until I decide to call over and tell them it's broken. Also thee was a lady with two little bratty kids who literally stated crying when they came in. Crying, because a drink machine is broken. So the lady comes to the counter and says; "Is that machine really broken?"

 "Yes" I reply, instead of punching her in the face, which was my first thought.

"Can you go fix it?"

"Bitch, if I (or anyone else who worked here.) could fix it, IT WOULD BE FIXED."

That's what I really told her, minus calling her a bitch. But my eyes said bitch, and I think she could see that.

One Person I'd Like To Punch

That dude from Mythbusters. The one who wears a berret. I don't even know how to spell that and I efuse to find out.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Completely True History

During the cave man days, said cavemen used the tops of animal skulls as dinnerware. They were very proud of this evolutionary step forward, and often hosted fancy dinner parties, where they served their friends (And some enemies! Keep em closer, they say! Ha!) mammoth finger sandwhiches on sparkling 9Well, nice and gray) plates. However, when one was attacked by an animal (As was often the case back then) while eating (Also, often) one had to drop their plates as they ran, or even if they didn't, the food will fall off (A bowl would maybe have helped with this, but don't be daft, bowls weren't invented until 1956 by Edward P Bowl.) One caveman, tired of losing his evening meals (then called Breakfast. I know, crazy, right?) began using a sharp saber tooth cat rib bone to skewer his food. Then when attacked, he could run WITH his food, enjoying it as he hid in bushes. Once the food was eaten, he could even use the rib as a weapon. (Oh how Saber Tooth cats HATED being pierced by the bone of a fallen comrad. Much like Nazis. That's why the Saber Tooth Cat is known as the Nazi of the caveman days) The caveman who invented this was named Bob, and he traveled around showing others of his invention. He would pester them until they would buy one, while they muttered "Okay, Bob."

Of course, the letter O was lost to man for years (1687-1775) so Okay Bob became Kay Bob, which then was in a terrible accident and was amputated to just contain Kabob.

Columbine

Columbine
Dave Cullens
2009

I picked up this book on the bargain rack at Barnes and  Noble for five bucks. I would have paid twenty. This book is fantastic. I haven't read Helter Skelter (The book that delves into Charles Manson's psyche) but the back flap of Columbine compares the two, and I'm guessing that's a comparison that hits right on the nose. Columbine is chilling. Columbine is often tough to read. It's gripping, and you'll stay up late, wanting to read 'just one more chapter'.

First off, if you haven't ever done your own research into the massacre, especially recently, everything you probabaly think about what happened is wrong. The two killers weren't no friend losers, they weren't in the Trenchcoat Mafia (A real club of sots at their school.) There wasn't a girl named Cassie who confessed her belief in God only to be shot in the head and killed. The revelations come early and often, and I found myself eager to learn the truth. The mismanagement of the local police force of the case in the years beyond the shootings (and even a year or two before. Columbine could have been prevented.) will make you almost as sick as the killings themselves. Some people come off extremely bad in this book, beyond Eric and Dylan. In fact, if you feel a twinge of pity for Dylan, I wouldn't be surprised. Eric was a mad man, a casebook psychopath with no remorse. Dylan it turns out was never fully behind the idea until the very end, thinking of NBK (the name the killers gave their massacre, short hand for Natural Born Killers) as nothing more than a fantasy. A deranged fantasy that offered a little solace to a manic depressive boy determined to kill himself before April 19th. (April 19th was the day they planned to carry out NBK. It happened a day later, due to ammo shortages).

Dave Cullen is a journalist who has followed the case since the very beginning, and is considered the leading expert on the matter. He's read the journals, seen the tapes, interviewed the survivors, and presents what I imagine to be the absolute closest thing to the truth one could ever get about Columbine without being able to go back in time and read the killers minds. The book hops about in time, getting to the massacre petty early, then filling in back story, from a year or two before, to the decade after. You meet some of those killed, and some of those inured. You see the rage that develops one boys father and how it effects him ten years later. You watch as a boy thought to be so broken as to never walk again fight to do just that. It's a year long battle to get by without a wheelchair, crutches, even a cane.

This book is fantastic. I'm guessing a lot of people were like me, and honestly haven't thought about Columbine in a long, long time. Maybe it's time to think about it, one last time, with the help of this book.

Columbine - A+

Bridesmaids

I saw Bridesmaids a few days ago, and meant to write a little mini review. So here it is:


It's hilarious. Go see it.

Working For Google

I saw a segment on Sixty Minutes a few years ago, where they went to Google's headquarters in Awesomeville California. Everyone was zooming around on Segways, there were multiple volleyball courts, free day care, free lunch (and it was awesome lunch, steak, lobster, I think you could eat a small North Korean child if you wanted to.) It was the coolest place in the world.

Well FU*K YOU GOOGLE.

First off, what do so many people even do, working at Google? I'm not that computer savvy, and maybe up keeping Google is harder than I think, but then I'm guessing you wouldn't have time for pick up games of Volleyball. I mean, isn't Google just an automated system? How much maintenance does it really need? It seems to me two nerds could run Google in their parents basement.

I don't even get a free 95 cent pop at work. I don't even get any sort of discount, and you get a free Segway and a personal chef at Google? *Fart sound*

Butt

Playing baseball. Nothing else.




That's what Gabe told me to write on my blog today. We're playing baseball.

Really Reds?

Man, what a craphole showing by the Reds last night. First off we need to talk about Ochocinco, I mean Brandon Phillips. Seriously, pay attention. He got picked off at second for screwing around, and he would have been walked in if he hadn;t, which would have kept the game from going to 19 innings. But now, he's so damn concerned with seeming fun and cool and getting on TV extra he got thrown out. He annoys me sometimes.

And then, in the top of the 19th the Phillies had to put in a non pitcher to pitch! Yes! This is just what we needed! Oh my god, he's throwing like crap! Oh my god, Votto swung at ball 2 (which would have led to a walk.) OH no, Votto popped out. OKay, well no big deal, cause dude just hit Rolen. But then two moe pop outs. The dude was throwing to the left of the catcher by three feet most pitches. And lobbing them in when they were strikes. And we couldn't get a hit? Needless to say we lost. That has got to be the most embarassing game for the Reds all season.

Time Warner Sucks

I've waited for Time Warner to come and do something at a house I was living at probabaly at least eight or nine times. Hooking up cable, internet, fixing cable etc. The people are always nice and professional. The problem is, well the problems. Not once has the guy come in and hooked up whatever, and gotten it right on the first time. It's always "I gotta call someone" or "This light shouldn't be blinking." Blah blah blah. Either Time Warner doesn't train anyone in anything, or their products suck. And let me assure you, it's that their products suck. If dishes didn't suck a hundred times worse, I'd get one.

Finally

Kristi and I are finally sucking it up and getting our own internet, since our neighbors are really being jerks and not unlocking theirs. Since it's a pain to sit in a certain spot, this'll be my last post until Time Waner gets out here and hooks our up. See you there.

Scream 4 Review Reboot

I'm embarrassed to say that the first time I saw Scream 4 I didn't 'get it'. I enjoyed it, but I didn't see beneath the surface of the film. I didn't get how far the film went with the reboot/remake theme. Every character from the first flick has a representative in this flick. Jill is Sid, Hicks is Dewey, Kirby is Randy, etc. It's really genius. And then the film takes these familiar Scream archetypes and flips them on their heads. The second viewing of Scream 4 really cemented this one as my favorite of the sequels, and I wonder how many other people would benefit from seeing it a second time. As much as I loved it the first time, the second time was one hundred percent more enjoyable. Everything I loved about it the first time stands true. The opener is awesome, the killer/killers and his/her/their motive is fantastic. My one complaint stands true. A horrible out of place line ruins the best death in the film (and possibly the series.) The new cast is great, and their dialogue is just as rapid fie and witty as you've come to expect. (From the good Screams at least. So no wooden crap-tastic Scream 3 non sense ) Seriously, if you haven't seen Scream 4 go see it, or hell the DVD will be out shortly, it's already in cheap theaters. If you have seen it, see it again.

A by the way here, I don't think my earlier theory was right. I thought that Kevin had been forced to change what I have discussed here before as a spoiler. It didn't turn out that way in the flick, but I thought that I had still been right, and Kevin had been made to change it and that's why he left the project. I no longer feel that way. Instead I think why Kevin left is they forced him to change the ending. I think Kevin's original script had it ending after Kirby's house. Where it fades to white.

Sweep!

We took Gabe to the Red's game last night, we specifically picked last night to get tickets because they were going to have a kids run the bases thing after the game, which they cancelled. Because it was Rainy. Bleh. The game was awesome though and we killed the Cads (well until we put Chapman in who walked the bases loaded, then walked in a run. All together they scored five runs in the top of the ninth.) There was a Cardinal fan a few rows behind us, being totally obnoxious the whole game. Cheering for a team is one thing, having your parents not love you as a child and cave attention so badly you choose to annoy people for it is another. Well when we finally managed to get in the win in the end, I turned and looked right into his eyes, yelling SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! I wasn't the only person in the area to do this, and his walk up the stairs was pretty miserable, with everyone who had been annoyed all game getting in his face. Keep in mind I was sitting right next to to St. Louis fans, who managed to cheer for their team (the few times their team did anything to cheer about) and not get the whole section to dislike them.

Lindsay Lohan Sucks

An interesting read: http://www.wwtdd.com/2011/05/the-lindsay-lohan-crime-spree-legal-timeline/

Seriously, how many times does this bitch get to be caught doing something illegal before she ever really has to serve any time. She's been caught with drugs, she's been caught stealing, I think they caught her murdering a hobo once. I guess it's a consolation prize for us that she'll never work in anything worthwhile again, but still. I can't wait to see how her little sister turns out. Dead is my guess. She'll have to top Lindsay somehow.

Officer Mcnugget

Yesterday at work I called the police dispatch to have them send someone out because I saw a drug deal go down in the parking lot. The dealer was long gone but the person who had bought something was already impaired and was struggling to pump his gas and then figure out how to drive his truck out of the parking lot. He was literally out there for fifteen minutes after I called. The guy finally leaves, and a cop doesn't show up for another ten minutes after that. He apologizes for taking so long, asks which way he went, and gets back in his car and pulls onto the street heading in the opposite direction from the way I told him the druggie went. A co worker came inside and told me that when the cop had gotten out of his car he threw away a McDonald’s bag. I got both parties plate numbers, but if Arby's is having a two for three on roast beef sandwiches, nothing will probably get done.

SNL

I'm reading a book called Live From New York, and it's the history of SNL, from the beginning up to about 2002. The book is made up of interviews with writers, hosts, and the actors. The sad thing is, almost everyone they talk about or who speaks themselves comes off so damn bad. I love Harry Shearer, but EVERYONE in that book who worked with him talks about what a horrible person he is. Belushi (who I didn't care for much anyways) was sexist and refused to do sketches women wrote, Ben Stiller canceled hosted the second show after 9-11 partly because they wouldn't give in to the ridiculous demands he had for hosting, (Certain things in his dressing room, etc.) Chis Rock is so obsessed with race he creates rifts between him and white people where there are none. This book is a real eye opener, one that really makes me rethink ever having wanted to work in show business. Everyone just seems petty, and ridiculous, and psychotic. It's sad.

From one super poignant blog to another

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/42956890?GT1=43001

What a heartbreaking story. A popular blogger from Canada was diagnosed with Cancer in 2007 and recently passed away, after having shared the ordeal on his blog since it began. As someone who just lost a loved one to cancer, this was a hard article to read, as I think of Aunt Kathy every day.  My mother has really struggled with the loss of her sister, and I can only imagine what my cousins felt yesterday on the first mothers day without their mom. Her four kids are strong and awesome young men, and I love em all.

A Poem

Roses are red
And that's no jive
I can barely afford one crappy cell phone
but Bin Laden had five

Seriously, they pulled like five computers, five cell phones (and probabaly good ones) and a bunch of other electronic cap out of that mansion he was living in. What a d bag. He's sitting around, surfing the net on an i pad, having no real job or souce of income, (and he's famous. I think he got his start on Jersey Shore.) What a shitty world we live in.

random crap.

Everyone knows that one dude who looks like a lesbian.


If you don't know that one dude who looks like a lesbian, you are the one dude who looks like a lesbian.

We have a candy at work that is a chocolate covered cherry. The package shows one of the candies, cut in half, with the cherry inside and some clear goop spilling out. Right beneath that it says 100 percent liquid center. Um, a cherry is not liquid. Your product is a chocolate covered cherry, with some sort of goop in it. The cherry is the center.

Is Rhianna the worst thing that's ever happened to music? Yes. She is. Good god Gabe and I are watching music videos right now, and hers was just on and it's literally one of the worst songs I've ever heard. Just like every other song of hers.

Now the Black Eyed peas are on, it's not much better than a Rhinna song. It's the other two dudes turns right now. So that's not good. And why does Will.I.Am. always try to look like a robot ot something?

I drew a shark with boners for teeth yesterday. Don't ask. The point is, Jaws would have been a very different movie if the shark had had dicks for teeth. The women wouldn't have wanted to be saved.

The Five Golden Rules of Retail

1. The customer is never right (I've worked in retail since I was 14, and have never seen a customer complain and be right.)

2. The customer will never read directions, then mess something up, and blame you.

3.  Don't bother putting small print on a sign, no one will read it. If they see a sign that says two for one, and then beneath that in smaller print; Tropicana Orange Juice, the orange juice part will be ignored, and the customers will think everything in the store, and maybe the store next door is two for one.

4. SERIOUSLY, THE CUSTOMER IS NEVER RIGHT. Most people are stupid these days.

5. Do not make eye contact with a customer when you're closed down, counting your drawer. They take that an an invitation.

Do the Steelers Have Any Normal People On Their Team?

I had a funny little thing about retail worked up to go here today, but then I read about Steeler player Rashard Mendenhall and his twitter account of late. After the Death of Bin Laden, he posted:

What kind of person celebrates death? It’s amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We’ve only heard one side…

Um, no, we haven't heard one side, there are countless tapes and videos of Bin Laden speaking of harming and hating America and it's citizens. (Though I'd be jealous of America too if there was more live stock in my town than people. That's why Kansas is thinking about starting a new civil war.)   Rashard then continues, in response to another tweeter:

@dkeller23 We’ll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style

Oh jeez, he's a 9-11 denier. Seriously Pittsburgh, between this guy, a serial rapist and the creepiest looking guy I've ever seen (Hines Ward, who is probably also one of those people who believe we never landed on the moon) you have the worst group of guys in professional football.

Sleep Well

When asked how he felt about Osama Bin Laden being killed, my co worker Ricky replied, "Well, know I can sleep a little better."

I had no idea I had been sharing counter space with someone on Osama's hit list. I can't imagine what it must have been like to have lived in terror fo ten long years.

Get to sleep Ricky, you've earned it.

Vacation

If you're wondering where my blogs have been, I decided to take a week off. So uh, does that answer your question?

No, we'll just keep your money

I worked thid shift last night, and a guy came in and asked if we cashed in lottery tickets. Sure, I replied, but when I scanned it the little warning popped up and told me it was worth a lot of money. Just shy of 300 bucks. Well, we don't cash in tickets over 100 there, so I handed it back to him and told him sorry.

"But you scanned it." He said.

"Yeah, but we can't do it."

"So I just lose that money?"

Yes you moron, I scanned it all the way through, but we're not going to pay you the cash, I'm going to use it for rent money instead. Or Speedway will just keep it. I explained to him that tickets over a certain amount bring up warnings, and we have to push a cancel or accept button, and if I had accepted it, a little slip of paper would have printed out. He still didn't get it.

"So this isn't good anymore?" he asked.

I punched him in the face.

Not really, but I thought about it. I wish stupid people would move out of America. I wouldn't have to deal with them at work, and Nascar wouldn't be on TV anymore. So that's a win win.

Historic Facebook

I like to think how history would have been different if computers and the Internet had always existed. Would it be different? I can picture JFK sitting in the back of the car, using his iPhone to tweet: 'It's hot as hell in Texas, I hope they put this top down.'

How about Anne Frank sitting up in the corner of the attic, trying to get the neighbors wifi with her lap top, managing to jump on facebook and posting:

Anne Frank - Those idiots are downstairs again, LOL they never think to look up here.

Then below that, her friend jumps on and posts: Hey Anne, you know you have an open account right? Anyone can read that post.

And right below that one of those little thumb ups- HItler likes this.

Why are you here?

We took Gabe to the Reds game last night, and had a good time, even though The Reds pitching sucked for the most part, and no body could figure out how bats are supposed to work. Obviously, Chapman throwing 106 was awesome to see in person. The weird thing to me though, are some of the people who go. Two couples were right behind us, and one dude was super nice and gave Gabe a little pack of crackers, but his wife literally would not shut up. Just story after story after story, even as the others were attempting to pay attention to the game. She literally used her cell to google the line up of some music festival and proceeded to read off the entire forty plus bands and singers expected to be there. If you just want to catch up with people and chit chat, you can do so without spending any money, or going to something that you pay attention to. The best though was the woman there reading a book. READING A BOOK! She may have been late teens I think, and there with her dad. If you don't want to go, SAY SO! It's more insulting to whoever forced you there to look over and see you nose buried in a book.

Speedy Cards

To people who ask “Did you get it?” when I'm scanning your Speedy Card at work.

YES I FREAKING GOT IT. I PUT THE SCANNER DOWN BECAUSE I SCANNED YOUR CARD! NOT BECAUSE I GOT TIRED OR GAVE UP.

Scream 4 review. NO SPOILERS

Each opening in a Scream movie is almost like a mini film itself. The first one is iconic, killing off the biggest named actor in the flick in the first ten minutes. (In fact, Drew had been cast as Sidney originally.) The second Screams' beginning is my personal favorite, featuring a murder right there in a movie theater, packed with raving fans, many of whom are dressed as Ghostface. The opening scene in the third movie is much like the rest of the third movie. Weakest of the three, but not quite terrible. Scream 4's open is easily the most fun, and most complex of the series, and I won't spoil it for you. It's funny and brutal, and it's a great way for Mr. Ghostface to return.

The rest of the movie fares just as well, with a couple jump out of your seat moments, and way moe than a couple good laughs. The dialogue it witty and sharp, much like the first two were, with none of the clunky and tired horror cliched dialogue that was found in the third one. Kevin Williamson wrote the first two, and the outline of the third. He gets sole writing credit here, but it's no secret he had some sot of falling out with one of the Weinsteins and dropped out/was pushed out of the project partway into shooting, leaving the guy who butchered Scream 3 to return on some rewrites. Whatever happened, the final product doesn't seem to suffer in any way.

Seeing the Big Three back was awesome, even though looking at the cosmetic surgery ravaged Courtney Cox is kind of a bummer. Dewey gets a few choice Dewey moments, squinting his eyes and flashing that goofy smile. Sid is Sid, and seems to simply choose to take on any danger that comes across her path, maybe feeling a bit more bold and confident after three rounds of psychos trying to kill her, and besting each and every one.

The new cast is fantastic, and everyone will surely find a favorite. The kids (and a few cops and the such) are fleshed out I found myself genuinely bummed out when someone would kick the bucket. The third act is great and filled with carnage, and the motive of the killer/killers is believable and better than some of the motives of past Ghostfacers. The film feels sort of like the first and only direct sequel to Scream, owing a lot to the tone of the first movie, and for the fact that it's set in Woodsborro. The younger folk in the town are way into the Stab movies (The movies within the movies, the first thee based on the events of first three Scream movies.), and feel a perverse excitement to live where it all started.

I only have two complaints. A one liner that hits, but is sputtered by someone seconds away from dying. (Really, you're not going to be funny as your literally keeling over.) My second complaint is that it felt a little too short, especially the climax, thought that could just be me wishing for more since I'm a die hard Scream lover.

In the end, Scream 4 is a worthy sequel, a great addition to the franchise, and might end up being my second favorite film in the series.

Thundermatts Grade: A

And for those interested, my grade on the first three:

Scream- A+

Scream 2- A -

Scream 3- C+

Happy Scream 4 day!

Go see it! I saw it at midnight and loved it. Way better than the third one, and I liked it moe than the second one even. I'll probabaly have some sot of review later or something.

Redlegs

Rooting for teams in Cincinnati in the last twenty or so yeas has been sort of like being with someone who beats you. You make excuses, you're ashamed, but you stick with them. Well the Reds aren't like that anymore. They've quit drinking, gone to therapy, and aren't hitting you in the stomach every night. I couldn't be more proud and excited to be a Reds fan. They're off to a great start, and I'm sure they'll continue it on into the post season. Thanks for giving Cincy residents their pride back guys.

Please check this out.

http://www.cradle.org/waitingfamilies/amyandpeter/home.html

The story Gabe just told me

Once upon a time, a strawberry. The end.

Scream 4 theory

So holy crap, Scream 4 comes out this week. Some of you may know that Scream is easily my favorite horror movie (and series) and the first flick is in my top five movies. In fact, it's the movie I credit with making me want to make films. Kevin Williamson wrote it as a big love letter to the horror films he loved growing up, and it made me realized that I loved film and also wanted to make it.

Anywho, one of the commercials for Scream 4 that's in heavy rotation speaks of some big twist or something at the end. Something that you won't see coming. They can't just be referencing the killers identity, that's a staple of the series. So I got to thinking. And almost immediately the following popped into my head. 9I'll drop a few lines in case I'm right and you'd like to stay away from spoilers. Keep in mind that I myself have staid away from any and all spoilers for this flick, and besides some character names, I know nothing about this movie, I haven't seen this theory anywhere else on the net, but I haven't been looking either.)

(also, spoilers on the first film too)

I think the new main character Jill is Sidney and Billy's daughter from the one time they had sex, in the first film. Scream was 15 years ago, and I'm guessing that's about how old these new kids are supposed to be. Sid was in high school in the first flick, and the second one takes place two years after (despite being released one year after). Sid may have gotten pregnant, not returned to school for some time (citing the trauma of having he boyfriend try to kill her (she may have home schooled or something for the remained of her Junior Year. I think she's a freshman in college in Scream 2) had the baby and given it up to her aunt for adoption. Now her child is a teen herself, and new murders are happening. If I'm right about this, I think Jill (Sid's daughter) is the mastermind behind the murders.)

Friday story

3

“Well, Mr. Parker, to be quite honest, I doubt Peter has more than a month in him.” Dr. Reed Richards spoke quietly, standing outside the Parker home on the porch. The doctor was tall and lanky, the man he spoke with stocky and older.

“Damn it.” Ben Parker clenched his fist. “I told his daddy I'd do all I could to see he grew up to be a fine man, and now he won't even have a chance.”

“There's one thing, I think maybe you can try.” Dr. Richards held his hands out as he spoke. “It's a long shot, and not something I would normally suggest, but I just don't see another alternative.”

“What is it? Tell me, I'll do anything. Thirteen is just too young, and I'll be damned if I give up on him now.”

“Lets go in, have a cup of coffee, let your wife hear this too, see what she thinks. 'Dr. Richards suggested.

The three of them gathered around a small dining table set in the cramped kitchen, steaming tin mugs of coffee sat untouched in front of each. May Parker was Ben's wife, fatter and shorter by a fair share than her husband. She spoke after a moment of silence had crept in. “Well doctor? What is it?

“I can't believe I'm going to suggest this, they should really have my license for this, I really-”

Ben cut him off. “With all due respect, get to it.”

“yes, yes, right.” I know of a man, a former colleague of mine, a Doctor Stephen Strange.” Dr. Richards stammered, he looked as though he had begun to sweat, though from the heat in the kitchen due to the preparation of coffee, or from some other factor, it was unsure.
“he left a normal practice, and went with the savages, and devoted himself to the study of the, well, strange arts.”

“Doctor Strange is strange, is what you're saying? Ben growled.


“Well yes, but I think he may be able to help. I keep a correspondence, and I've heard multiple accounts from him of his having healed many, and overcome much that a normal doctor such as myself could never dream of.”

“So, he would do some damned hocus pocus, and my nephew would be healthy?” Ben asked, his voice rising. “That is the absolute dumbest damned shit I've heard from a learned man, and I'll be damned if I don't want to just knock your ass out my door!”

“Ben!” May stood. “I don't believe you! I'm so sorry Doctor!”

Dr. Richards merely raised a hand.

“You're right May. Doctor, I'm sorry.” Ben leaned forward, clamping a hand on Reed's shoulder. “This has just been more than I can handle. Just last year Peter was fit as a fiddle. And now, he's knocking on heaven's door.”

“I understand, Mr. Parker. I do. I just want to try everything we possibly can.”

“Where is this Doctor Strange?” May asked, sitting back down.

“Two days ride from here. It won't be an easy trip for Peter, but it may just be worth it.”

“Okay.” Ben said. Let's try it.

Three nights later found the Parkers and Doctor Richards in the company of Doctor Strange. Reed had been insistent that he go, both to care for Peter on the journey, and perhaps experience one of Strange's miracles first hand. Strange had agreed to help Peter as soon as he had seen him, and was adamant that he be started right away. The day had been one of oddness for everyone but Strange, with salves and lotions rubbed into Peter's chest, he had been hung from a tree by his ankles for exactly two minutes and eleven seconds at a time, and had had his head wrapped in a blanket made of wool for four hours. The final step was the most important, Strange had explained, and would be done in secrecy. So now, Peter, barely on the verge of consciousness after a trying day, lay naked in a tee-pee, and Doctor Strange chanted with closed eyes as he mixed a motion with ingredients from various stone bowls set before him. Across the dirt ground a spider scurried, making for one of the bowls. It used it's impressive abilities to scale the inverted incline and fall over the lip of the bowl into a mixture of crushed berries just as Dr. Strange reached for it. He lifted the bowl to a stone mug and tipped it's contents, including the spider, in without opening his eyes. Using his fingers, he mixed it with the other ingredients, crushing the spider and contaminating the contents. Strange opened his eyes, which were traced with paint, and lifted Peter's head with one hand. He spoke in English now, at the end.

“Let this bring the strength and vitality to the one who needs it.” The mug was tipped, it's contents pushing past Peters lips and down his throat.

Wolverine Vs. Iron Man : Gabey Style

Gabriel and I were playing with super hero action figures a while back. Here is the dramatic retelling.

Wolverine stared across the battlefield at Iron Man. They had been friends once. Not now. With a grimace, he popped his claws, three long harp blades out of the knuckles on each hand. He pointed the right handed claws at Iron Man.

“I'm going to cut through your suit like butter.” Wolverine growled. He jumped forward. Iron Man anticipated this, diving forward at the same time, rising above Wolverine with assistance from the the propulsion system in his boots. He cut the power and came down hard on Wolverine's back.

“No.” Iron man replied in his robotic voice. “I'm going to cut YOUR butter.”

“Wait, what?” Wolverine asked. Iron Man responded with a repulsor ray to the face. Wolverine went flying back.

“I'm going to mess your stuff up!” Ion Man screamed. He flew forward again, not even bothering to hit Wolverine with his fists. He simply bashed his helmeted head into Wolverine's torso. Iron Man stopped the beat down, hovering in the sky. “I wish we should be friends now.” Iron Man said.

“Me too.” Wolverine replied, getting to his feet.

“Let's swing.” Iron Man said, running to the playground they had apparently been fighting next to this whole time.

“I'm going to slide!” Shouted Wolverine, a little to excitedly.

Pirate Joke

A pirate walks into a bar, with a giant steering wheel sticking out of his crotch. Like a big old ships wheel.

The bartender sees him approach and points to the wheel and speaks. “You know you've got a giant steering wheel sticking out of your crotch?”

The pirate nods. “Aye.” He says. “It's driving me nuts.”

I didn't write that myself or anything, but it's a favorite joke of mine. Make sure you read it in your head with a good pirate accent.

I'm reading a Star Wars book that combines Star Wars (duh) with zombies. It's pretty good, but it's one of those cases where I think I'm totally a better writer than the author. He gets to play with zombies in a Star Wars setting. I get to tell people they have to pre-pay on pumps one, two, eleven, and twelve. Not fair. I want to be a writer. I'm working on some short stories, with the plan on maybe just putting them on amazon.com for e-readers. It costs nothing, you can start making money right away and people are starting to get real publishing deals based on what they're putting out themselves.

Ha! you suck!

So I was watching the NCAA Championship Game last night, and towards the end, when Butler is already getting embarrassed they bring up a little fun fact along the bottom of the screen. It turns out, that Butler had the lowest scoring percentage in a championship game EVER. E V E R. And they thought that was a fun little thing to tell you. It made me feel bad for the kids.

What if one year at the Oscars, they were like "Okay, before we tell you the winner of Best Actress, lets tell you who came in last, and can you believe they got the least amount of votes ever in this category? Seriously. Four votes. (I assume they would be talking about Reese Witherspoon.)

So buck up Butler, you may have lost, but you totally dominated losing.

Hodge Podge

I recently re-watched all three Matrix movies over the course of a week. I really really liked them all (I remember not liking the sequels, back in the day.) but now I'm THAT GUY. That dude whose like fake diving in slow motion and shooting guns at people. You know, everyone did it twelve or so yeas ago, when The Matrix first came out, but I'm the only asshole doing it now.

And I don't care.

-Dives sideways, shooting finger guns-

Oh Charlie Sheen, going on tour where you do nothing but stand behind a podium and tell nonsensical stories didn't work out the way you had hoped? Sounded like a fool proof hit to me.

Holy cow, Scream 4 comes out this month. I could not be more excited. I'm definitely going at midnight. Anyone else?

Boners.

Opening day was awesome. Hypothetically. I had to suddenly get work off that day because Kristi had to go to another class in the afternoon, and not because we went to opening day. If we had, it would have been Gabe's first game, and he would have enjoyed it, especially saying Charge! And yelling GO JOEY VOTTO really loud every time he was up to bat. It was awesome. My first ever going to opening day. Hypothetically.

Bengals had Cam Newton over for hot chocolate and cookies. Wait what? Oh, to practice and stuff. Eh, I kinda like it.