Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Dear Thundermatts,
I have a nine-year-old son who has to go to summer school; it was a condition of his promotion into fourth grade. He goes four days a week from nine to noon. He works with two teachers and about twenty other kids. He is balking at continuing at summer school. He does not like the other kids there and is misbehaving in class. I think he just has low self-esteem and it is getting in the way of his learning. Should I take him out and fight to keep him in fourth grade anyhow? – Summer Mom

DEAR SUMMER MOM- Your kid is just stupid. I went to summer school once. (twice) It is awesome. It’s easy as shit, we smoked in between classes in the parking lot (cigarettes, not weed.) ((Some weed.)), and there was a hot chick who wore low cut shirts that hung out with me and the two guys I hung with there. Also, we drew pictures of dinosaurs shooting Abraham Lincoln with laser guns instead of listening, and still passed. So if your idiot son is struggling to get through it; he’s an idiot. Yes, take him out of Summer School, and fight to get a really late stage abortion.

Dear Thundermatts,
Hello, I'm a 19 year old male and I'm having trouble. This might sound strange but here it goes, three years ago I went on a summer vacation to my hometown and ended up meeting the most amazing, beautiful girl and she gave me the best summer I have ever had. We spent every day for three months together and we fell in love but sadly I had to leave but we promised we would stay in contact and would be together when I moved back. We stayed in contact for over a year but after time we slowly stopped talking. I have asked her if she would like for me to stop trying to contact her even if to just be friends and she has said no but now we only talk once every couple of months and it's hard to even get a response back. I am still in love with this girl. I have had a few relationships since but they have never worked out. This girl is always on my mind and she is the only one I have never been able to get over her no matter how hard I have tried. Look forward to hearing back. – A Virgin.

DEAR VIRGIN- Oh my god, you’ve got to be kidding me. You met a girl who give you a handy all summer, and now you’re in love? Puh-lease. And you have not had a few other  relationships, because pleasuring yourself to Leia in the slave outfit as soon as you got the new Star Was Blu-Rays is not a relationship. Man up. Move on.

Ok, so I really want to be an actor when I grow up. I'm starting high school in a few days, but they don't offer a lot of acting classes. I want to start taking acting classes after school, but I don't know how to tell my dad about it. He probably doesn't want me doing the performing arts. He probably wants me to do sports. I really dream of being on “Saturday Night Live“ one day. So do you think it's the right time to start acting classes? Or is it too late? If it's the right time, how do I tell my dad I want to start taking acting classes?- Drama Douche

DEA DRAMA DOUCHE- Uh, are you funny? Cause that’s the number one way to get on SNL. And yes, your ad does want you to be in sports. Because he never was. He tried out for the football team and couldn’t cut it, but he did sexually experiment with the semi retarded kid they let get the towels and shit so he feel like pat of the team. So these that.

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