My girlfriend Kristi went swimming with dolphins once with her family in Florida. Before you go into the water, someone speaks to you about what to expect, and rules and the such. They tell you, along with 'No riding the dolphins', 'No bringing ham to feed the dolphins', and all that junk, that you are absolutely, under no circumstances, to touch the dolphins on their undersides.
BECAUSE THE DOLPHINS WILL GO MAD WITH LUST.
AND RAPE YOU.
Seriously, it's true. Dolphins are like the Ben Roethlisberger's of the ocean. Touch them any where near their little dolphin junk, and they'll dive to the ocean floor, only to return with a mixed drink with seven different date rape drugs in it.
I want to know why they even need to tell you not to touch the dolphin's dicks. Seriously. Who was the guy sitting in the little pool, rubbing a dolphins back, who thought, “This is boring, I'm going to give this dolphin a handy.” Turns out dolphins are like most men, a hand is nice, but an orifice is much better. Might as well try for it.
My cousin Kevin and his wife Mary went to a zoo one time where you could swim with dolphins. When they came back, Mary was ecstatic. “Fantastic!” She replied, when asked how the swimming with dolphins was. Kevin was more subdued. “Kevin, did you have a good time?” Someone asked. “I don't want to talk about it.” Replied Kevin, before running to his room and slamming the door shut.
To this day, if you sneak up behind Kevin and make a dolphin sound, he'll burst in to tears and start rocking in a fetal position.