9-23-2011

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: I frequently host small dinner parties and get-togethers in my home for co-workers and friends. Most guests bring their spouse or a date. "Jane," a young lady with whom I work, has recently been corresponding with an inmate I'll call Al. Al was sentenced to eight years in prison, but will be released in a few weeks. Jane plans to bring him to my next dinner party.

Abby, Jane has dated abusive men in the past. When I asked her what Al was in prison for, she flipped out. She said, "Al has paid his debt to society! You shouldn't ask rude questions." When I gently inquired of Jane if Al had committed a violent crime, she hesitated. Then she said, "Well, sort of," and refused to elaborate.

Don't you agree that I have the right to know whom I am inviting into my home? Am I out of line or overly cautious? -- ALARMED HOST IN ALABAMA

DEAR ALARMED HOST: Al is a weird name for a black dude. But yeah, don’t invite that chick.. You live in Alabama so he might steal all of the Precious Moments statues from your trailer. And then beat Jane to death with them.

Dear Thundermatts,
My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him? – CAN I CHANGE HIM?


Dear CAN I CHANGE HIM: What the hell is wrong with you? Why is your husband more willing to be eating by an anaconda than spend time with you? Maybe you need to eat his anaconda more often, if you know what I mean.  



Dear Thundermatts,
My wife is prickly and angry most of the time. She takes her anger out on our seven-year-old daughter and me. We have not had a decent conversation in months; all the words between us are either about running the household or words of disagreement. My wife is under a lot of stress at work but I am so tired of her angry tirades I just want to leave. – SAD HUSBAND


DEAR SAD HUSBAND – How is your vagina doing? Seriously, women are always mean and annoying. It’s the price we have to pay to have sex with them. Man up. And it sucks about your seven year old daughter, but in three years she’ll be just as mean and bitchy as your wife, and you don’t even have sex with her. Unless you live in the south, but then, you probably already are. 


This should be the last post with this annoying highlight stuff, the page i copied the questions from for the first few was lame or something.  Also, if anyone has a question they'd like to ask email me at m.ashcraft@hotmail.com with the subject line DEARTHUNDERMATTS. You'll be kept anonymous