Monday, September 26, 2011


I am getting married next spring to a man with a ten-year-old daughter. Should she be in the wedding as a junior bridesmaid? – SOME CHICK
SOME CHICK- Yeah, let her be a bridesmaid. When you guys have a kid together, no one will pay attention to little whats-her-face, so let he be in the wedding.


My 4-½ year old granddaughter is becoming difficult to discipline. She recently picked up a trinket at a department store. She has begun talking back. She also has hit her teacher at preschool. I need help in determining an approach for her. – SCARED GRANDMA

SCARED GRANDMA- Your 4 year old granddaughter steals shit? You should really just try to spend as much time as possible with her because I don’t think they let a lot of visitors into juvie. Seriously, get the girl a temporary neck tattoo, because it’s already too late for her. The authorities will sort it out; and she’ll probably be a totally great fry cook at McDonalds. Or she’ll stab a chick and go to prison, where she’ll stab more chicks. And have sex with them.


My daughter just turned 6. She is not a bedwetter. The other night she got up and urinated in her closet. She then stripped and went back to bed. Her little sister has had two episodes of talking/screaming in her sleep (her eyes were wide open but she was still asleep!). Her dad and uncle both sleepwalked when they were small. Is this something I should be concerned about? – WORRIED MOM

 WORRIED MOM- Uh great, your daughter isn’t a bed wetter. But she pisses in the GD closet. That’s kind of worse. Hey, don’t pee on that sheet and blanket, but go ahead and urinate all over some clothes and shoes and stuff. Although peeing and stripping is going to make her famous on the internet when she’s 18. Also, I think your younger daughter is possessed. So uh, get that checked out. Sounds like Insidious or something. 

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