Andy Rooney opened his eyes, with a considerable amount of effort. For one thing, Andy Rooney is old as hell. For another, Andy Rooney's massive eye brows collapse upon their own weight and onto his eyes in the middle of the night. Andy had to actually use his fingers to push the wiry thick strands of brow back into their original position. Then he sat up.
Andy Rooney slept naked, and ate breakfast naked. It made his housekeeper very uncomfortable. As well as his visiting niece and her seven year old daughter.
Andy bathed in buttermilk, and stood with a horse hair towel wrapped around his waist in front of his mirror. He mumbled to himself.
“Mirrors are strange things. They show your reflection, but not that of a vampire. We didn't even have a mirror in my house until I was fourteen. Which of course is now seventeen.”
Ready to run errands, Andy backed his car out of the garage. He of course killed two pedestrians, six cats and a squirrel. Andy walked to the local market after wrapping his car around a telephone (“ I don't like phones. It's much nicer to beam thoughts directly to a persons mind via Edison's Thought O Matic”) pole six blocks away from his house.
Andy pushed a shopping cart along the produce aisle. He drew many odd looks, mainly because he still only wore the horse hair towel, but also because one of his eyes brows had shifted, and now appeared to be eating the other.
Andy lifted an orange in each hand. He spoke out loud. “Nothing rhymes with orange, but I think there's a strong case to say that porridge does.”
“Uh, okay.” Said a near by stockboy.
“Oranges contain a trace amount of lead. I don't enjoy lead in my fruit, so I mainly stick to apples.”
The stockboy turned and headed for the back room.
With a cart full of Granny Smith Apples and two cardboard displays that weren't for sale, Andy made his way to the register.
He presented a gold doubloon to the check out lady. “American Money is too green. The color green has been proven to cause irritable bowel syndrome.”
Andy was refused service and thus made the trek home alone and on foot.
“Feet are funny things, you don't know they're there until you look down. I like cheese that's yellow, but not white. When Africa was first founded, A Hyena was president.”