9-28-2011

Dear Thundermatts,
I have a nine-year-old son who has to go to summer school; it was a condition of his promotion into fourth grade. He goes four days a week from nine to noon. He works with two teachers and about twenty other kids. He is balking at continuing at summer school. He does not like the other kids there and is misbehaving in class. I think he just has low self-esteem and it is getting in the way of his learning. Should I take him out and fight to keep him in fourth grade anyhow? – Summer Mom


DEAR SUMMER MOM- Your kid is just stupid. I went to summer school once. (twice) It is awesome. It’s easy as shit, we smoked in between classes in the parking lot (cigarettes, not weed.) ((Some weed.)), and there was a hot chick who wore low cut shirts that hung out with me and the two guys I hung with there. Also, we drew pictures of dinosaurs shooting Abraham Lincoln with laser guns instead of listening, and still passed. So if your idiot son is struggling to get through it; he’s an idiot. Yes, take him out of Summer School, and fight to get a really late stage abortion.

Dear Thundermatts,

Hello, I'm a 19 year old male and I'm having trouble. This might sound strange but here it goes, three years ago I went on a summer vacation to my hometown and ended up meeting the most amazing, beautiful girl and she gave me the best summer I have ever had. We spent every day for three months together and we fell in love but sadly I had to leave but we promised we would stay in contact and would be together when I moved back. We stayed in contact for over a year but after time we slowly stopped talking. I have asked her if she would like for me to stop trying to contact her even if to just be friends and she has said no but now we only talk once every couple of months and it's hard to even get a response back. I am still in love with this girl. I have had a few relationships since but they have never worked out. This girl is always on my mind and she is the only one I have never been able to get over her no matter how hard I have tried. Look forward to hearing back. – A Virgin.

DEAR VIRGIN- Oh my god, you’ve got to be kidding me. You met a girl who give you a handy all summer, and now you’re in love? Puh-lease. And you have not had a few other  relationships, because pleasuring yourself to Leia in the slave outfit as soon as you got the new Star Was Blu-Rays is not a relationship. Man up. Move on.

Ok, so I really want to be an actor when I grow up. I'm starting high school in a few days, but they don't offer a lot of acting classes. I want to start taking acting classes after school, but I don't know how to tell my dad about it. He probably doesn't want me doing the performing arts. He probably wants me to do sports. I really dream of being on “Saturday Night Live“ one day. So do you think it's the right time to start acting classes? Or is it too late? If it's the right time, how do I tell my dad I want to start taking acting classes?- Drama Douche

DEA DRAMA DOUCHE- Uh, are you funny? Cause that’s the number one way to get on SNL. And yes, your ad does want you to be in sports. Because he never was. He tried out for the football team and couldn’t cut it, but he did sexually experiment with the semi retarded kid they let get the towels and shit so he feel like pat of the team. So these that.

9-26-2011

Dear THUNDERMATTS,
I am getting married next spring to a man with a ten-year-old daughter. Should she be in the wedding as a junior bridesmaid? – SOME CHICK
SOME CHICK- Yeah, let her be a bridesmaid. When you guys have a kid together, no one will pay attention to little whats-her-face, so let he be in the wedding.

Dear THUNDERMATTS,

My 4-½ year old granddaughter is becoming difficult to discipline. She recently picked up a trinket at a department store. She has begun talking back. She also has hit her teacher at preschool. I need help in determining an approach for her. – SCARED GRANDMA

SCARED GRANDMA- Your 4 year old granddaughter steals shit? You should really just try to spend as much time as possible with her because I don’t think they let a lot of visitors into juvie. Seriously, get the girl a temporary neck tattoo, because it’s already too late for her. The authorities will sort it out; and she’ll probably be a totally great fry cook at McDonalds. Or she’ll stab a chick and go to prison, where she’ll stab more chicks. And have sex with them.

Dear THUNDERMATTS,

My daughter just turned 6. She is not a bedwetter. The other night she got up and urinated in her closet. She then stripped and went back to bed. Her little sister has had two episodes of talking/screaming in her sleep (her eyes were wide open but she was still asleep!). Her dad and uncle both sleepwalked when they were small. Is this something I should be concerned about? – WORRIED MOM

 WORRIED MOM- Uh great, your daughter isn’t a bed wetter. But she pisses in the GD closet. That’s kind of worse. Hey, don’t pee on that sheet and blanket, but go ahead and urinate all over some clothes and shoes and stuff. Although peeing and stripping is going to make her famous on the internet when she’s 18. Also, I think your younger daughter is possessed. So uh, get that checked out. Sounds like Insidious or something. 

9-23-2011

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: I frequently host small dinner parties and get-togethers in my home for co-workers and friends. Most guests bring their spouse or a date. "Jane," a young lady with whom I work, has recently been corresponding with an inmate I'll call Al. Al was sentenced to eight years in prison, but will be released in a few weeks. Jane plans to bring him to my next dinner party.

Abby, Jane has dated abusive men in the past. When I asked her what Al was in prison for, she flipped out. She said, "Al has paid his debt to society! You shouldn't ask rude questions." When I gently inquired of Jane if Al had committed a violent crime, she hesitated. Then she said, "Well, sort of," and refused to elaborate.

Don't you agree that I have the right to know whom I am inviting into my home? Am I out of line or overly cautious? -- ALARMED HOST IN ALABAMA

DEAR ALARMED HOST: Al is a weird name for a black dude. But yeah, don’t invite that chick.. You live in Alabama so he might steal all of the Precious Moments statues from your trailer. And then beat Jane to death with them.

Dear Thundermatts,
My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him? – CAN I CHANGE HIM?


Dear CAN I CHANGE HIM: What the hell is wrong with you? Why is your husband more willing to be eating by an anaconda than spend time with you? Maybe you need to eat his anaconda more often, if you know what I mean.  



Dear Thundermatts,
My wife is prickly and angry most of the time. She takes her anger out on our seven-year-old daughter and me. We have not had a decent conversation in months; all the words between us are either about running the household or words of disagreement. My wife is under a lot of stress at work but I am so tired of her angry tirades I just want to leave. – SAD HUSBAND


DEAR SAD HUSBAND – How is your vagina doing? Seriously, women are always mean and annoying. It’s the price we have to pay to have sex with them. Man up. And it sucks about your seven year old daughter, but in three years she’ll be just as mean and bitchy as your wife, and you don’t even have sex with her. Unless you live in the south, but then, you probably already are. 


This should be the last post with this annoying highlight stuff, the page i copied the questions from for the first few was lame or something.  Also, if anyone has a question they'd like to ask email me at m.ashcraft@hotmail.com with the subject line DEARTHUNDERMATTS. You'll be kept anonymous

9-21-2011

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: After six years of marriage I am seven months pregnant. I never wanted children and did not expect this to happen. I am determined to be an excellent mother, but it's an intellectual exercise for me. I feel nothing for this baby and I have a hard time imagining our future. I also hate being pregnant.

I can't find any websites for women like me -- they're filled with women cooing over their bellies and fantasizing over their babies-to-be. I mentioned my feelings (or lack thereof) to my husband and he became furious with me. Is there something wrong with me? -- LACKS THE MOTHERING GENE

DEAR LACKS THE MOTHEING GENE: Yes there is. That said, I’m pretty sure there is time left for an abortion.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: How do you prevent damage in your home from children whose parents will not control them while they're visiting? I keep a box of toys and offer them to the children, but they often prefer to handle my personal objects, many of which are heirloom antiques.

One visitor allowed her child to jump on my sofa, then offered to replace a shattered ceramic bowl her son had thrown like a Frisbee. "It's not replaceable," I told her. "It belonged to my great-grandmother." Her response was that I should have put anything valuable out of reach.

It seems even the most polite suggestion to children angers their parents. My parents would never have allowed me to behave disrespectfully in someone's home. Must I show everyone the door because their children behave like animals? -- WHO'S MINDING THE MENAGERIE?

DEAR MENAGERIE: Who are you friends with? Octomom? (Remember her?) Seriously, which of your friends has such little bastards for kids they run around and throw your shit all around. The problem isn’t the kids, it’s your friends. And next time some little snot nosed shit breaks something of yours, break his face. Seriously, just knock the shit out of that kid. That’ll teach him.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: I work for a package delivery company and there is a problem that's all too common for people in my line of work. Please tell dog owners to confine their dog before opening a door to accept a package.

I have been bitten twice in the past two years by dogs that "don't bite." I have also been scared more times than I can count by dogs that have charged at me. When a customer takes the time to put their dog in another room before coming to the door, I make sure to let him or her know how much I appreciate it. It's difficult to be pleasant and professional when my heart is racing and adrenaline is raging because someone's dog is barking and running at me.

Thanks, Abby, from my fellow delivery drivers and me. -- TWICE BITTEN IN DAYTONA BEACH, FLA.

DEAR TWICE BITTEN (ONCE A GUY): Don’t call me Abby. That’s weird. Anywho, I’m thinking you might be fat. If so, it’s your own fault. Fat people smell constantly like bologna. That’s science fact. Look it up. If you didn’t smell like bologna, dogs wouldn’t want to eat you. What a fat idiot. You think you’d be thin, since you walk all day. I bet you wear crocs.

Ask Thundermatts

Hey, I'm trying something new on this blog. I can never think of what to write, so from now on, on Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays; I'll be finding real questions sent in to Dear Abby (or articles like that.) And answering them myself. These are all real answers. I may post other stuff to, if I get inspired, but this will be the new thing for three days a week.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: My mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia more than a year ago. She lives alone and can no longer do anything for herself. She can no longer climb stairs, which means she can't get to her bed, shower or do laundry, and it takes her hours to dress herself. She also needs help getting and remembering to take her medications.

Because Mom can't drive, she can't get to the store, the bank or anywhere else unless one of her kids takes her. She does nothing all day but watch TV and eat sweets.

When do her kids stop treating her like a toddler and start treating her with dignity? She clearly needs assistance, whether it's a couple of days a week of companionship or an assisted-living center. She doesn't want to go, but when is it time to do what's best for her and stop listening to what she says she wants? Her kids are afraid to make her mad, so this poor woman is withering away in her two-story home -- lonely, smelly, sad and depressed.

I would move her into our home if we had a place for her, but we don't. What can be done for an elderly person who obviously can't take care of herself, but "fakes" it so her kids won't put her "in a home"? -- HEARTBROKEN DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR HEARTBROKEN DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: What the hell do you mean you don’t have a place for her? You don’t have a back yard? You must live in an apartment. How about a balcony then? Shit she’s old, she won’t know the difference between outside and inside. She doesn’t even know the difference between a toilet and her pants. Seriously though, tell her you’re taking her to a doctor appointment, make sure you’re in her will on the drive over to the old folks home, and leave her ass there. She’ll forget she didn't even want to go by tomorrow.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: I have been with my love for more than five years. Our lives have not been easy, but whose has? God decided to bless us with a little one while we were still too young, but we work hard to provide the best for our blessing.

Somewhere down the road the romance disappeared. I often wonder if he despises me for getting pregnant or for keeping our son. My love had big plans and still does, but he seems miserable. I know I can't force him to make the effort to change his own life and pursue his dreams.

I miss my friend, the person who wanted to be near me, hold my hand and hold me tight. Despite all my attempts to talk, nothing changes. Is it over? -- ROMANTICIZING ROMANCE IN DALLAS

DEAR RRiD: He doesn’t despise you for getting pregnant; he despises you for never losing the baby weight. Also, he’s banging someone else, probably your sister.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: I go to movies occasionally with my niece "Connie" and her two kids. Although the theater has a sign "No Outside Food or Drinks Allowed," Connie sneaks snacks in in her oversized purse, then doles them out after the lights go down. I'm not talking about a couple of candy bars; she brings bags of candy, chips and cans of soda.

While I agree with my niece that the price of refreshments is outrageous, I also believe it's the theater operators' prerogative to set prices and policy. I suggested Connie skip the snacks during the movie and take the kids out for ice cream afterward, but she said she didn't want to "deprive" them. When I offered to pay, she said it wasn't about the money, it was "the principle, and besides, "everybody else does it."

I feel my niece is teaching her kids it's OK to break rules you find inconvenient as long as you can get away with it. I enjoy the outings with them so I've dropped the subject for the sake of harmony, but it still bothers me. Connie probably thinks I'm a critical old crank who's out of step with the times. I'd love your opinion. -- PAYING FOR MY POPCORN IN OREGON

DEAR WHINY BITCH: Quit being a whiny bitch. Food at the theater is ridiculously priced, as are the tickets. It’s awesome that your rich, or stupid, but you should totally take food in. People who work at movie theaters take their own food in. It’s the American thing to do. Quit being a communist. Here’s a fun fact someone that works at a movie theater told me the popcorn is always days old, that shit isn’t fresh, and you want to pay twelve dollars for a small? Go ahead dipshit, but quit being a nark.