9-21-2011

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: After six years of marriage I am seven months pregnant. I never wanted children and did not expect this to happen. I am determined to be an excellent mother, but it's an intellectual exercise for me. I feel nothing for this baby and I have a hard time imagining our future. I also hate being pregnant.

I can't find any websites for women like me -- they're filled with women cooing over their bellies and fantasizing over their babies-to-be. I mentioned my feelings (or lack thereof) to my husband and he became furious with me. Is there something wrong with me? -- LACKS THE MOTHERING GENE

DEAR LACKS THE MOTHEING GENE: Yes there is. That said, I’m pretty sure there is time left for an abortion.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: How do you prevent damage in your home from children whose parents will not control them while they're visiting? I keep a box of toys and offer them to the children, but they often prefer to handle my personal objects, many of which are heirloom antiques.

One visitor allowed her child to jump on my sofa, then offered to replace a shattered ceramic bowl her son had thrown like a Frisbee. "It's not replaceable," I told her. "It belonged to my great-grandmother." Her response was that I should have put anything valuable out of reach.

It seems even the most polite suggestion to children angers their parents. My parents would never have allowed me to behave disrespectfully in someone's home. Must I show everyone the door because their children behave like animals? -- WHO'S MINDING THE MENAGERIE?

DEAR MENAGERIE: Who are you friends with? Octomom? (Remember her?) Seriously, which of your friends has such little bastards for kids they run around and throw your shit all around. The problem isn’t the kids, it’s your friends. And next time some little snot nosed shit breaks something of yours, break his face. Seriously, just knock the shit out of that kid. That’ll teach him.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: I work for a package delivery company and there is a problem that's all too common for people in my line of work. Please tell dog owners to confine their dog before opening a door to accept a package.

I have been bitten twice in the past two years by dogs that "don't bite." I have also been scared more times than I can count by dogs that have charged at me. When a customer takes the time to put their dog in another room before coming to the door, I make sure to let him or her know how much I appreciate it. It's difficult to be pleasant and professional when my heart is racing and adrenaline is raging because someone's dog is barking and running at me.

Thanks, Abby, from my fellow delivery drivers and me. -- TWICE BITTEN IN DAYTONA BEACH, FLA.

DEAR TWICE BITTEN (ONCE A GUY): Don’t call me Abby. That’s weird. Anywho, I’m thinking you might be fat. If so, it’s your own fault. Fat people smell constantly like bologna. That’s science fact. Look it up. If you didn’t smell like bologna, dogs wouldn’t want to eat you. What a fat idiot. You think you’d be thin, since you walk all day. I bet you wear crocs.

Ask Thundermatts

Hey, I'm trying something new on this blog. I can never think of what to write, so from now on, on Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays; I'll be finding real questions sent in to Dear Abby (or articles like that.) And answering them myself. These are all real answers. I may post other stuff to, if I get inspired, but this will be the new thing for three days a week.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: My mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia more than a year ago. She lives alone and can no longer do anything for herself. She can no longer climb stairs, which means she can't get to her bed, shower or do laundry, and it takes her hours to dress herself. She also needs help getting and remembering to take her medications.

Because Mom can't drive, she can't get to the store, the bank or anywhere else unless one of her kids takes her. She does nothing all day but watch TV and eat sweets.

When do her kids stop treating her like a toddler and start treating her with dignity? She clearly needs assistance, whether it's a couple of days a week of companionship or an assisted-living center. She doesn't want to go, but when is it time to do what's best for her and stop listening to what she says she wants? Her kids are afraid to make her mad, so this poor woman is withering away in her two-story home -- lonely, smelly, sad and depressed.

I would move her into our home if we had a place for her, but we don't. What can be done for an elderly person who obviously can't take care of herself, but "fakes" it so her kids won't put her "in a home"? -- HEARTBROKEN DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR HEARTBROKEN DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: What the hell do you mean you don’t have a place for her? You don’t have a back yard? You must live in an apartment. How about a balcony then? Shit she’s old, she won’t know the difference between outside and inside. She doesn’t even know the difference between a toilet and her pants. Seriously though, tell her you’re taking her to a doctor appointment, make sure you’re in her will on the drive over to the old folks home, and leave her ass there. She’ll forget she didn't even want to go by tomorrow.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: I have been with my love for more than five years. Our lives have not been easy, but whose has? God decided to bless us with a little one while we were still too young, but we work hard to provide the best for our blessing.

Somewhere down the road the romance disappeared. I often wonder if he despises me for getting pregnant or for keeping our son. My love had big plans and still does, but he seems miserable. I know I can't force him to make the effort to change his own life and pursue his dreams.

I miss my friend, the person who wanted to be near me, hold my hand and hold me tight. Despite all my attempts to talk, nothing changes. Is it over? -- ROMANTICIZING ROMANCE IN DALLAS

DEAR RRiD: He doesn’t despise you for getting pregnant; he despises you for never losing the baby weight. Also, he’s banging someone else, probably your sister.

DEAR THUNDERMATTS: I go to movies occasionally with my niece "Connie" and her two kids. Although the theater has a sign "No Outside Food or Drinks Allowed," Connie sneaks snacks in in her oversized purse, then doles them out after the lights go down. I'm not talking about a couple of candy bars; she brings bags of candy, chips and cans of soda.

While I agree with my niece that the price of refreshments is outrageous, I also believe it's the theater operators' prerogative to set prices and policy. I suggested Connie skip the snacks during the movie and take the kids out for ice cream afterward, but she said she didn't want to "deprive" them. When I offered to pay, she said it wasn't about the money, it was "the principle, and besides, "everybody else does it."

I feel my niece is teaching her kids it's OK to break rules you find inconvenient as long as you can get away with it. I enjoy the outings with them so I've dropped the subject for the sake of harmony, but it still bothers me. Connie probably thinks I'm a critical old crank who's out of step with the times. I'd love your opinion. -- PAYING FOR MY POPCORN IN OREGON

DEAR WHINY BITCH: Quit being a whiny bitch. Food at the theater is ridiculously priced, as are the tickets. It’s awesome that your rich, or stupid, but you should totally take food in. People who work at movie theaters take their own food in. It’s the American thing to do. Quit being a communist. Here’s a fun fact someone that works at a movie theater told me the popcorn is always days old, that shit isn’t fresh, and you want to pay twelve dollars for a small? Go ahead dipshit, but quit being a nark.