Matty Rooney

I've decided that my excuse for having such out of control eyebrows is that I'm going to apply to be Andy Rooney when he dies. I figure that's what they'll do. Kind of like they do with the Flash. One dies, a new one takes his place. They'll probably pick the replacement Rooney by eyebrow size, so I think I have a good chance. I've already written my first segment. Here it is!

Why do we call driveways driveways when you park on em, and parkways parkways when you drive on em?

I don't like cars whose name starts with a C.

Corn on the cob can also be eaten off the cob, if someone takes it off the said cob. Isn't that silly?

Silly string is the freeze dried snot of a moose.

The plural of moose is meese.

Meese rhymes with crease, I don't fold my own sheets, I have a number of ten year old Malaysian boys to do it, but I do like a certain crease in them.

Bed sheets were invented by the ancient Egyptians. They were used to wrap mummies. Thread count means how many bodies could be wrapped in a single sheet.

If you use more than three sheets in one single butt wipe, a bunny dies of unnatural causes. SO conserve that TP!

I'm old.